Foundation for
Reconciliation
An
Unintended Journey
"When I was 15 years-old, I nearly changed this story.
My parents were going through a heated divorce at the time. It
was during this time that I was struggling with an increasing guilt
felt for my homosexual thoughts. I felt that my future was doomed
because my seminary and church leaders were
preaching the evils of homosexuality.
Here I was, a teenager attracted to members
of the same sex, but my Church, in which I was always taught was the
only true church on the face of the earth, was teaching me things
which made me view myself as an abomination. Since “the only true
church on the face of the Earth” was telling me these things, I felt
that my life was a disgrace to the people I knew and loved.
This emotional tug-of-war ripped at my heart
and I felt completely alone, worthless and felt there was no way my
life could be successful in any way. During the depths of this
emotional despair, I almost took my own life one night in October of
1997. After walking to the freeway overpass near my house, the plan
was to jump into the path of a passing diesel truck below, thus
ending my 15 year-old journey.
Instead, I lay crying in one of the corners
under the overpass for two hours before making the trek back to my
house. I didn’t know it then, but that unintended journey back was
the single most important thing I have ever done in my life.
When I was 19, I went on a mission, as a man
pure in heart, and completely worthy. I thought that this time would
heal so many wounds for me and that I could overcome so many
problems that I had been facing. Not only did I love the Church with
all of my heart, I had a strong desire to take its message to the
people of Ontario Canada.
I thought that my “homosexual temptations”
would leave the more and more I lost myself in serving Heavenly
Father. More importantly, I wanted people to know that they had a
God who loved them.
And I loved my mission. I learned so much on
my mission and wouldn’t take it back for anything in the world. I do
not regret one ounce of the time I spent serving my mission. I am a
better man because of that time.
Ironically, it was that same heavenly love
that I wanted so badly to preach in which I found myself questioning
many times in the years to follow.
All I know is that for so much of my life,
my homosexuality was something I tried to change. If it were a
switch I could have turned on or off—I would have in an instant. The
last thing I want to do was to devastate so many people because of
my gender preference.
One night, after years of trying to change
who I was, I knelt down on my knees and began to deliver a prayer
like many I had before. I asked Heavenly Father to let me feel his
love. Through the tears, I told him that I knew my homosexuality was
something I couldn’t change and would no longer be praying for that.
I only asked for his love to heal me so that I couldn’t hurt
anymore. What followed was a complete relief that I can’t describe.
The only thing I remember thinking as I felt that relief was that I
knew everything was going to be okay.
It was that night that I decided to come out
to my friends and family at the age of 24. I lost some friends and
family over this admission. But I wouldn’t take it back for the
world. Life is much easier as I live an honest life.
After years of struggling, what I do know is
that God knows the intent of my heart and I will be judged according
to that. It’s not only true for straight people—it’s true for me
too. I am a good person and I know
This way of life may not be one that many in
the Church “approve” of. But one thing I know is that this is a
struggle that I have been through. I don’t want “approval,” but I do
want acceptance.
The struggle I made growing up has helped me
to find my own peace. I hope that members of the Church who are
still struggling to find their peace eventually do.
A trip to a freeway overpass as a 15
year-old boy nearly changed my story. But I am proud to be here to
make sure others don’t have to go through what I went to."
—Trace
Downey, October, 2009
