Foundation for
Reconciliation
Suffering Alone
Letter
Dear Church leaders,
My name is Lea Christensen-Martin. I am a
member of the Burton, Michigan Ward. I was born in the covenant; I
grew up active in the church. I graduated from early morning
seminary. I served a foreign mission. I was married in the temple.
My father was a bishop. I am currently not attending church meetings
because my sense of integrity will not tolerate me actively
supporting an organization that promotes deception and
discrimination.
I have been asked to share my experience
with the church and the effect it had upon my brother who was
homosexual.
My brother, John, was named after the
apostle, John the beloved. He was intelligent, talented and gifted
with a wonderful sense of humor. He loved his family. However, John
was different. He never dated in high school, and he never felt a
desire to serve a mission. He never talked about any girl friends.
We hoped he was just being quiet about his private life, but we had
suspicions about him being homosexual that no one voiced.
When he was in his early thirties, John got
sick. He said he had Epstein-Barr disease, or chronic fatigue
syndrome. He would come home for weeks at a time and my mother would
take care of him. This continued off and on until the fall of 1993.
At this time, I got a call from my father. He told me John had
committed suicide. I was confused. Why? Why would he do such a
thing?
My father was very distraught. That night
the shock and the stress of the news of a child committing suicide
caused him to have a heart attack. My father did not know he had had
a heart attack. He did not go to the hospital until weeks later when
he was retaining fluid in his lungs. He almost died because of this
and other complications. To this day, my father takes medications to
aide his heart, weakened by this incident.
As the details of John’s suicide unraveled,
the misery he lived with daily became all too clear. He left a note
apologizing to us for the pain his death would cause. He said in the
note that he was suffering from AIDS and could not bear to fight any
longer. His room was in perfect order. There were no drugs or drug
paraphernalia except for the prescription pills he overdosed on. He
had taken the pills, and then duct taped a plastic bag around his
neck. In this way, if the pills failed to kill him, the plastic bag
would asphyxiate him in his drugged state. He was determined to end
his life.
His room contained books with titles such as
Healing and the Mind and Suffering Alone. A large part of my
grieving for his death included me grieving for his last months and
the lost opportunity to be a real comfort to my brother. I could not
have understood what he was going through because he did not share
his situation or his suffering with us completely. Why didn’t he
trust us, his family, to accept him and help him in his illness?
I believe that the attitudes toward
homosexuals in our family caused John such anxiety and guilt that he
was unable to share his suffering with us at the time he needed
comfort most. In our family homosexuality and homosexual attraction
was unthinkable. It was vile and loathsome. Our religious beliefs
condoned this attitude. The sin of homosexuality was next to murder
in degree of seriousness. John lived a life that he kept secret from
his family. He feared our judgment and rejection if he were to tell
us he was homosexual. And in desperation when he could no longer
suffer in loneliness, he took his own life.
If only things had been different. If only
we had a more Christ-like culture in our home that accepted each
child for who and what they are. In this atmosphere, John would have
felt comfortable sharing with us all aspects of his life. He may
have still gotten sick, but he need not have suffered alone. That
could have made all the difference. If he had the support of his
family, John might have had the strength and courage to fight just a
little bit longer. The drugs used to treat AIDS today were close to
being developed. John might still be in our family now, if only.
Please, please stop the intolerance. Do not
let one more young person die because of the church’s homophobic
attitudes. Please stop the suffering of the families of homosexual
people. Please accept all God’s children for who they are regardless
of sexual orientation. Be pro-active; apologize to the gay and
lesbian community for the discrimination that has been heaped upon
them. Accept them and their sexuality in thought and in deed. They
did not choose to be gay just as you did not choose to be
heterosexual. God made them that way. They are perfect just the way
they are.
Thank you,
Lea Christensen-Martin, August, 2009
